Personal Freedom

Lately I've been thinking about how we hinder ourselves in achieving happiness and freedom. What exactly do I want to be free from; debt, stress, chores, pain, obligations? As I've sat going through job listings, writing cover letters, and mailing out resumés I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. What if I was just being naive in choosing to leave Boston on some wanderlust adventure? There have been moments here where I felt like I'm still stuck in this strange stand still. As though the world continues to move while I'm just sitting. But then again I recognize how hard it is for me to take a moment and relax some times because I'm always moving on to the next responsibility or task. When I stop and think about where I was just one year ago I can recall the weight I felt upon my shoulders. I was on the last leg of the race towards completing my M.Ed. program at UMass Boston. I was running at full steam putting the final touches on my capstone paper and powerpoint presentation. Upon further reflection I realize that until just recently I had been running full steam since I began my master's program back in 2010.

At the moment I find myself going back and forth. Sometimes I can easily relax and unwind while other times I feel a deep sense of discomfort in not being in control here. The tension in waiting for a call back or email to schedule a potential interview that might not even amount to anything is something I'm not unfamiliar with. I am totally cognizant of the fact that I have only been here for just over a month, but at the same time my inner Mass-hole is screaming at me to get things moving in some way. I can hear the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not doing enough, or that I should be doing more, but what is it I should be doing? Should I even listen to that guy, I mean he's kind of an asshole yelling at me like that right?

There's a small part of me that has been thinking I could easily just turn around go home, and return to the familiarities that I know so well. But, I wonder why these thoughts arise. When I reflect upon my current situation it is perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with me or where I am at in my life. Sometimes I ask myself where these thoughts and emotions come from, or what is the underlying cause behind them? What are they grounded in? Most of them seem to lose their foundation once that happens. As I thought more about this transition I've made half way across the world I noticed my mind putting it into some form of understanding. I began to see this situation in the format of DJ'ing. It's like the transition from one record to the next. As the outgoing record is coming to an end in the mix the incoming record is building up. Although they are two separate songs they become deeply intertwined in the mix. Sometimes these mixes or transitions are short and fast, while others can be long and ride out for quite some time. So as my time in Boston has come to an end for now I hope that my time in Hawaii isn't too short lived so that I can continue to learn and explore this amazing place.

*Photos: First one is from a trip to Iao Valley State Park the other day, and the tall rock is the Iao Needle. 2nd pic is sunset on front Street by the Banyan Tree Park in Lahaina. 3rd pic is from a friend's porch in Wailuku Heights looking towards Haleakala.