Personal Freedom

Lately I've been thinking about how we hinder ourselves in achieving happiness and freedom. What exactly do I want to be free from; debt, stress, chores, pain, obligations? As I've sat going through job listings, writing cover letters, and mailing out resumés I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. What if I was just being naive in choosing to leave Boston on some wanderlust adventure? There have been moments here where I felt like I'm still stuck in this strange stand still. As though the world continues to move while I'm just sitting. But then again I recognize how hard it is for me to take a moment and relax some times because I'm always moving on to the next responsibility or task. When I stop and think about where I was just one year ago I can recall the weight I felt upon my shoulders. I was on the last leg of the race towards completing my M.Ed. program at UMass Boston. I was running at full steam putting the final touches on my capstone paper and powerpoint presentation. Upon further reflection I realize that until just recently I had been running full steam since I began my master's program back in 2010.

At the moment I find myself going back and forth. Sometimes I can easily relax and unwind while other times I feel a deep sense of discomfort in not being in control here. The tension in waiting for a call back or email to schedule a potential interview that might not even amount to anything is something I'm not unfamiliar with. I am totally cognizant of the fact that I have only been here for just over a month, but at the same time my inner Mass-hole is screaming at me to get things moving in some way. I can hear the voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not doing enough, or that I should be doing more, but what is it I should be doing? Should I even listen to that guy, I mean he's kind of an asshole yelling at me like that right?

There's a small part of me that has been thinking I could easily just turn around go home, and return to the familiarities that I know so well. But, I wonder why these thoughts arise. When I reflect upon my current situation it is perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with me or where I am at in my life. Sometimes I ask myself where these thoughts and emotions come from, or what is the underlying cause behind them? What are they grounded in? Most of them seem to lose their foundation once that happens. As I thought more about this transition I've made half way across the world I noticed my mind putting it into some form of understanding. I began to see this situation in the format of DJ'ing. It's like the transition from one record to the next. As the outgoing record is coming to an end in the mix the incoming record is building up. Although they are two separate songs they become deeply intertwined in the mix. Sometimes these mixes or transitions are short and fast, while others can be long and ride out for quite some time. So as my time in Boston has come to an end for now I hope that my time in Hawaii isn't too short lived so that I can continue to learn and explore this amazing place.

*Photos: First one is from a trip to Iao Valley State Park the other day, and the tall rock is the Iao Needle. 2nd pic is sunset on front Street by the Banyan Tree Park in Lahaina. 3rd pic is from a friend's porch in Wailuku Heights looking towards Haleakala.

Writing Alohas

The past few days were spent working on cover letters and applications. I was basically stranded at my friends house while they were both at work, but the 3 of us all made breakfast together this morning (there's that food connection again). We made banana walnut chocolate chip pancakes from scratch with eggs and some pineapple sausage. The pinacle of it all was I discovered there is such a thing as coconut syrup! Just kidding, although it was fantastic. This was just a reminder of how great my friends here have been. They are so encouraging and supportive, and in the week that I have been here my spirit has been reinvigorated. I've had so many inspiring and reflective conversations with them. Even though I feel unsure about what direction I'm going in the ride couldn't be any more true.

Earlier today Jo took me out to run a few errands and we grabbed some lunch. I finally picked up some post cards, which was something that was at the top of my priorities list. I spent the rest of the afternoon addressing and writing them. As I did this I thought about a conversation I had with my advisor just before I left Boston. It was about quality control in relation to music; more specifically about how the quality of music has gone down because the music industry has focused on becoming more digitized.
When it comes to music and putting a release out on vinyl, (or cutting a dubplate) cost a fair amount of money so if you're going to invest the money into that you have to be sure the music is top notch. The other aspect of the digitalization of the music industry is that its created this immediate consumerism where everyone sort just gobbles the latest and greatest down their throats and then promptly awaits the next course.
I remember when I was in my late teens / early twenties going to the local record shop every week to check out the new releases. When it comes to indy labels and obscure music you have to be there often because limited copies can sell quick and you'll miss out if you're not on top of your game. But, I also remember the sense of inclusion and community I felt there. I met so many other local dj's who I learned quite a bit from. Not just about DJ'ing, but about running a club night, promotion, social and political etiquete, and much, much more. But, the record shop went under thanks to the inflating costs of importing records, rent, and the rise of digitalization. Those communities dissipated off and I was left with ordering my records from a vendor out of the United Kingdom whom I have never met and know very little about.
So as I wrote these post cards I saw this as a nod to those older days. I'm not saying they're better I'm just appreciating the experience and what I learned. I really appreciated writing out each name, address, and personal note to everyone by hand. I feel like it carries so much more weight than sending an email or a text message. I just hope that everyone can read my hand writing.